Even the best intentioned parents cannot avoid having some level of negative impact on their children.  It is part of the human condition, and for many, raising children is both the most important and the hardest role anybody plays.

There is something about steering a steady course between the borders of “over-discipline”, and “over-indulgence”.  Once we go over the borders on either side, we risk creating a timid, scared, defeated people pleaser on the one hand or an entitled, arrogant narcissist on the other, or even a mixture of both.   Of course there are loads of permutations of these characteristics.

Between these two extremes lies neglect.  Neglect of children is more pervasive than you may think!  As well as the rare  negligence of the provision of basic food and shelter, is Emotional neglect, wherein a parent does not consistently acknowledge and fulfil the child’s needs for love, support, respect, acknowledgment, And above all, connection.

Emotional neglect is not usually intentional, it comes partly from parents being pre-occupied with other things; other children, work, relationship difficulties, and many more distractions.

And, a parent’s connections are largely determined by their own attachment style, which has formed from their own early experiences in relation to their caregivers.

Attachment styles can be

1.Secure, which is ideal.

2.Avoidant / dismissive

3.Anxious / pre-occupied

4.Disorganised - a mixed response whereby an individual both craves and rejects connection.

Understanding our individual situation can go a long way to helping us ‘do better’ with our children.  To help them grow up more secure, avoiding mental health problems such as anxiety, depression and tricky personality traits

The more a parent can recognise their own attachment style and process their early developmental difficulties (without attributing blame on their parents), the greater are their chances of passing on positive mental health.

Being genuinely heard and empathised with is likely the most precious gift you can give your child.  It helps them feel special in their uniqueness.  It helps them take themself seriously Engendering confidence and self esteem, protecting against Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health issues.

For more information on getting help with your own attachment and connection styles, see comment below.