We are all born with a certain temperament. How these features interact with our caregiver’s temperament plus their learned characteristics, determines our emotional and behavioural experiences and responses which becomes our dominant attachment style.

For example, a baby whose mother is secure, attentive and consistently interested and curious about them, is likely to develop a predominantly Secure Attachment Style. This means they are secure in this and future relationships with an internal model of the self as acceptable to others, they feel ok or good about who they are, and are likely to have largely positive experiences of relationships going forward.

Where the mother is sometimes anxious or depressed, and sometimes meets baby’s needs and sometimes doesn’t, the baby is likely to maximise signals of distress and proximity seeking, to make sure they are heard, developing an Anxious Attachment Style. These babies are likely to be more dependent on future partners and to fear abandonment or rejection.

Where the mother is always or mostly depressed, withdrawn or emotionally absent, the baby may struggle to gain her attention, always having to work hard to get it, even to the point of “bad behaviour”. Or always trying to be very good, never making mistakes. Some babies will eventually give up and turn away, becoming avoidant of the inevitable pain of failing to get their needs met. These babies are developing an Avoidant Attachment Style. This is likely to mean they may have relational difficulties in future as their internal model of the self might be that they are not worthy of being loved and having their needs met. When their partner gets too close they withdraw (feel undeserving).

The fourth attachment style is called Disorganised. It develops when caregivers, our source of security, is also our source of fear. “I need this person to survive, but I am afraid of them”. These people find it very difficult to trust, constantly fearing rejection and abandonment, are likely to reject the other before they are rejected, and have the most severe problems with their mental health.

If you are familiar with Schema Therapy (see my Schema page), you will see that our early attachment experiences are involved in the development of our Schemas, especially in the domain of Rejection and Disconnection.

Schema Therapy can help anyone to Understand and accept the traumas of their childhood and learn to soothe and meet the needs of that child with their own Healthy Adult.