You are exhausted, but cannot settle. A friend’s reply leaves you wondering whether you have upset them; you tell yourself to stop worrying, but that rarely helps.
Anxiety and depression can affect both mind and body. You might feel constantly on edge, have trouble sleeping or notice aches and tension in your body. Even small tasks may leave you exhausted. Noticing the signs can help us explore what may be contributing to how you feel.
What did you learn growing up?
From our first years, we learn what to expect when we need comfort or express a feeling. Children need reliable care, acceptance and so much more.
The temperament we are born with influences how we experience what happens around us. When important emotional needs are repeatedly unmet, patterns of feeling, and expectations about ourselves and others, can develop. We call these enduring patterns ‘schemas’. Later experiences can reinforce them. They often operate outside our awareness and can feel like part of who we are. To make it more complicated, our schemas will influence how others feel about and behave towards us, often reinforcing them.
“I should have done more.”
If approval depended on achievement, doing well may still feel essential to being accepted. Someone compliments your work, but you remember the part you could have done better. (You promise yourself you will relax after the next task).
At bedtime, your shoulders ache and your mind is still working. Sleep becomes difficult. Constant pressure can contribute to anxiety. Feeling that nothing you do is enough may deepen an already low mood.
Your partner asks you to switch off. You wish you could, but their request feels like another thing you are failing at.
“I don’t want to make a fuss.”
When your feelings were regularly dismissed, you may have learnt to manage alone. Now a friend asks how you are. “Fine” comes out automatically, although you are struggling.
You want someone to listen, but worry they will brush it aside. The conversation moves on. Afterwards, you feel hurt that nobody noticed.
A friendship ending or a partner withdrawing may reinforce the expectation that support will not be there. Keeping your distance can protect against disappointment while also leaving you isolated.
Alongside low mood, you may have no energy for things you once enjoyed. Reaching out feels harder too.
How can Schema Therapy help?
In Schema Therapy, we explore how early unmet needs and the ways you learnt to cope may contribute to anxiety or depression today. Pushing yourself relentlessly can keep anxiety going; withdrawing can deepen loneliness and depression. Later experiences may reinforce these familiar responses, even when they leave your needs unmet.
Together, we work towards recognising those needs and practising different ways of responding, including in your relationships. You will learn to meet your own needs and get them met by others.
I offer Schema Therapy in Chesham, Buckinghamshire, within reach of Amersham, Berkhamsted, Hemel Hempstead, Aylesbury, High Wycombe, Tring, Watford and Rickmansworth. Online therapy is also available.
If this feels familiar, you’re welcome to use my contact form or email ann@broadviewtalktherapy.com. I offer a free introductory call where you can ask questions and see whether my approach feels right for you.